He has never been with a big woman, but wants to give it a go just to see what it's like and get a checkmark on his sexual bucket list. Innocent enough, I suppose, but not sufficiently fulfilling from my perspective for me to be bothered. These guys are often in their twenties and really like the fact that I am an older woman. Perhaps that would allow them to check off two boxes at once.
Much more toxic are the "attracted but ashamed" guys who chat me up on occasion.
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They are secretly really turned on by fat women, but are so uncomfortable with that fact that they would never dream of being seen in public with one. They are the living embodiment of the old joke, "What do a fat chick and a moped have in common?
Fat Girl (Live At The Majestic Theater/2007)
They're both fun to ride but you wouldn't want your friends to see you on one. On the other end of the spectrum are the men who fetishize large bodies to an extent that is creepy and objectifying.
To them, I am not a person as much as an assembly of measurements and body parts. I don't encounter too many of those guys, but when I do I always feel like I need to take a shower after talking to them. That is not to say that I think there is anything creepy about being attracted to my body type.
Far from it. Probably my favourite guys are those who find me really, really physically attractive and have no problem owning that desire. Guys who love my softness. Guys who massage my belly, who grab handfuls of my ass, who bury themselves between my breasts.
Guys who can't get enough of every last inch of me. To them, I am a revelation - an ample woman with no body shame who says sure, let's have sex with the lights on. One such friend tells me that he long ago stopped approaching women he was attracted to in bars.
He is a quite a conventionally attractive man, with an extremely muscular build, and his preference is for women of my size or even larger. The most common reaction he would receive was one of anger from women who were so conditioned to believe in their own unattractiveness that they automatically assumed he was making fun of them.
When I began this journey of discovery earlier this year I might have been one of them.
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It had been many years since I had dated, and although I have been fat my whole adult life, my body now is larger than the one I had when I was last single. I had no idea what to expect on the dating scene. One of the first men I met after the separation was someone I initially assumed was completely out of my league. He is the absolute whole package - smart, successful, a hell of a nice guy, not to mention extremely handsome with the gym-perfected body of a Greek god.
The kind of guy who can pretty much have his pick of women.
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To my surprise, he was incredibly into me, and continues to be to this day. We were lying in bed one night after some of the best sex of either of our lives and I asked him what it was that had attracted him to me in the first place.
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I knew I wasn't the type he always went for, so I was curious. He just looked at me and shrugged and smiled and said "confidence is sexy. That friend belongs to the last group of guys, and I would say it is the largest one I encounter. Guys who are openminded to all kinds of sexiness. They don't have a physical "type" and have enjoyed women of a variety of shapes and sizes. To them, my sex appeal has more to do with my spirit of adventure and capacity for joyous abandon than the composition of my body.
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I realize that my lifestyle is not for everyone, and I would never try to assert that it should be. I'm sure it won't even be the life for me forever. But at this moment, I am having a great time having exactly the kind of sex I want. And I'm doing it with the body I have right now. Because whatever I look like, I have a right to pursue pleasure without shame. And no matter what anyone else has been telling you, so do you.
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